I'm not sure if I have ever struggled with disbelief more in my life as much as I am right now. Lately, it's been so hard to trust in the capabilities of the Lord, even though I know that my God is Healer. When my mind declares "Jehovah Rapha- the God who heals!" my heart suggests, "why would He even care to heal me?" For days I have been begging the Lord to deliver me from the heaviness of this mindset.
Reading in Genesis a few days ago, I had a revelation that convicted me to the core. In chapter 3 verse 4, the devil deceives Eve in calling the Lord a liar. He suggests that the very words that the Father had spoken to her regarding the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil were false, and that His very motive for telling her to not eat from the tree was to keep her from being like God in knowing all things. Upon reading this, I realized that the root of my disbelief is in believing that God is a liar.
For years, I have found myself struggling with the belief that God makes promises that He fails to keep and that His words, while comforting to hear, are empty. Of course, I don't want to believe this and wish that my heart would simply trust in the Lord as much as my mind does. I know what the Word says, I meditate and declare His promises...but yet my heart is so desperate to agree with them.
In Isaiah 55:11 the Lord declares "so My word that proceeds from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." Maybe He is more concerned with the process of receiving the promises He speaks, rather than the end result of our waiting. Does He desire more to teach me how to unlock the miraculous through my fervent intercession and faith, then He does to actually release the fruit of my prayers?
I believe that God does nothing but in answer to prayer, and that promises require partnership through persistent prayer. The word of God declares that "the prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective" (James 5:16). I'm convinced that the fuel behind broken chains, removed obstructions, and impenetrable doors opened, is the persistent prayer of a righteous man or woman. Maybe we don't always see miracles manifested in our lives because we fail to consistently press in for them.
Despite my deep longing to see promises fulfilled, I am trying to remember that every answer to prayer is for His praise and glory alone. My whole life, I've found myself to be self-centred in prayer as I focus on my own needs and desires rather than having a testimony that will bring all glory to God alone!
How do I view my temporary difficulties as opportunities to inquire of the Lord and bring Him all the Glory? His desire is to be shown mighty throughout my life and I don't want to deprive Him of that right by not putting my confidence in Him alone. Jeremiah 17:5 declares "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength."
BUT how do I trust Him fully while not doubting in the process, and to continue to press in fervently without fail?
I have walked with the Lord for nearly eight years of my life. Seeing dozens of healings, including blind eyes opening, deaf ears unstopped, bronchitis healed, fibromyalgia of twelve years healed, scars disappear, etc. Yet I still can't help but question why and if God would ever heal me.
I believe that Jesus suffered for my wholeness: emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. He paid too great a price for me to overlook this great inheritance. Therefore; I want my healing, and I want it in the fullness of what He paid for me to walk in. I'm tired of seeing my loved ones walk around in pain and exhaustion rather than wholeness and healing; I'm tired of living this way myself, especially when Christ died that I could be made whole.
Ephesians 5:27 calls us to present ourselves "as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle, or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." How do I enter into this kind of abundance? I want to stand before Him as a radiant bride, not one full of pain and exhaustion.
"Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy that it cannot hear." (Isaiah 59:1) The Lord hears my cry and longs to heal me more than I long to be healed. Therefore; I must submit to this truth, because I know and have seen proof that God can heal in a single moment of time, yet He is much more concerned with the process of us pressing in to Him in faith, then He is about the end result.
John 20:29 says, "Blessed are those who believe without seeing." Lord, help me to believe with my whole being that you are moving behind the scenes, working all things together for my good and Your glory, and bringing me my healing, even though it may seem like it's taking longer than it should be. Your timing is perfect, Your thoughts are not my thoughts and Your ways are not my ways- they are so much higher.
I trust that You will "do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine," (Ephesians.3:20) every single time I look to you and that Your Word stands true when it says that "by His stripes, we are healed." (Isaiah 53:5)