Day after day my heart aches for more of God. To be satisfied by Him alone, consumed by one desire: to dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life and to behold the beauty of my King (Psalm 27:4). For weeks I haven't been able to shake the discontentment that I've been experiencing in my faith. I'm totally and completely unsatisfied with the little that I know of God's kingdom and I deeply desire to tap into the endless measure of His presence that we can come to know and experience.
To be discontent in faith is a holy thing. More than anything in my life, discontentment seems to be the one thing that has pushed me further into the arms of my Father. In the midst of unanswered questions and physical needs, I've noticed that the very longing of my soul is not for miracles, provision or healing, but rather for the fullness of His presence to meet the thirstiness of my soul. More than any other time in my life, I am beginning to understand David's cry while in the wilderness of Psalm 63. "O God, You are my God; early will I seek You; My soul thirsts for You; my flesh longs for You in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water." David understands that God is the only one that can satisfy his soul and it is Him alone that he needs more of, even in physical lack. Psalm 23:1 says "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want." We are never lacking in the Father, because He is enough.
A few weeks back, I was out for dinner with a friend of mine and happened to express my recent struggle with disbelief. A bit into the conversation, she stopped me with a comment that caught me very off guard. "Wow Kaylee, you are so hungry for God. I love it." In that moment, I was comforted by that simple phrase as I realized that the discontentment I'd been experiencing was a direct result of my prayer to Him in stirring up a hunger in me for more. I had been viewing all my sudden questioning and frustration toward God as disobedience to Him rather than Him growing me in my faith.
Hebrews 12:2 says "We look away from the natural realm and we fasten our gaze onto Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith's perfection." If He is the Author, Perfector and Finisher of our faith, then He should have our permission to do what He wants to do with it in the process.
Another thing is that for so long I've been seeking the benefit of His Kingdom over seeking His face without truly understanding that no miracle could ever satisfy the longing of my soul but rather only bring momentary pleasure to this temporary life that I live. To be healed is to bring glory to His name alone. To experience a miracle is to testify to His power in the earth. While all these kingdom experiences are wonderful, they are not the first thing we should be seeking as if God is only there to help make our lives more bearable. He is the Almighty God and we are to humbly approach Him in our asking, trusting that He knows better than we do.
One treasure that I have pulled out of the trials faced in this last year is simply in knowing that He is enough. There is no healing, promise, success, miracle or provision, nothing in this life or benefit of the Kingdom that could ever satisfy my soul like communion with the King Himself. My whole life I have been faith-full to the brim, but this last year, disbelief has waged a mighty war against my soul. Circumstances and unanswered questions have a way of testing your faith and revealing to you where you really stand with the Creator. It's interesting to me how I cried out everyday for months that the Holy Spirit would flood me with a hunger that cannot be quenched, and then all of a sudden I find myself fighting to believe that He is true to His word.
Currently I'm in the sweetest time I've ever experienced in my journey with the Lord. Although I still don't have the answers to a lot of my questions and my circumstances haven't necessarily changed- my heart is surely aflame with His love. I have a deeper faith and greater endurance than I ever have in my life. Surely the Word of God is true when it says that we can rejoice in our sufferings! I'm thankful for a Father that doesn't get impatient with me when I'm frustrated and comforts me when I'm in need. Mathew 5:4 says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." In the waiting and the pain that naturally accompanies the testings of life, we can be thankful that our mourning can draw us into the loving embrace of our Father if we allow it to.
In Ezekiel 12:25 the Lord says "I speak and the word which I speak will come to pass; it will no more be delayed; for in your days, O rebellious house, I will say the word and perform it." God is most definitely a keeper of His promises, and does what He says He will do. It may not happen in the time we think it should, or how we expected it would, but it is not up to us to decide. God simply knows better than we do. I'm glad we can rest assured in knowing that Eternity is just around the corner and we'll have all the answers there.
Lord, help me to trust you in my weakness. Thank you for your word that says "all things will work together for good according to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) Thank you that I can be still and rest in you as you fight for me behind the scenes. Thank you that "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." (Hebrews 6:19) My hope is in you Lord, you are my fortress and in you alone I will trust.